5 Techniques That Will Make You a More Assertive Communicator

Five strategies to employ if you want your communication style to be more assertive, and less passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive.

1. Identify the belief that’s holding you back. You probably have one major belief that is holding you back from being an assertive communicator. Most of the reactions we have when faced with uncomfortable situations are reactions to our interpretation of the event, not to the event itself. There are (at least) two sides to every story. You may have been raised to believe that it’s not polite to disagree or that being assertive means being selfish. You may think that in order to get your way, you have to be aggressive, or that you’re being honest when, in fact, you’re just being a bully. Once you identify that belief, acknowledge its presence and your ability to change it. Think of it this way: I do not have to be aggressive in my interaction with Tom. I’ve always believed that aggressive people get what they want. In fact, it is up to Tom whether he does or doesn’t accept my request. All I can do is to ask politely.


2. Don’t apologize for having an opinion. Stay away from always adding “Forgive me for saying this...” and “I’m really sorry but I think...” There are times when your opinion might not be solicited, but it may be important for you to express it anyway. You could say something like: “John, I know you haven’t asked, but I strongly feel that installing a gummy-worm vending machine in the break room is not a good idea.”

 

3. Say “You’re welcome” in response to “Thank you”. Some people will mumble an ”Aha!” in response to a “Thank you”. Other people will just say “No problem”. Why? Why do we diminish our own efforts in the eyes of others? If somebody thanks you, it means they are grateful for your effort, no matter how small. The proper way to respond to thanks  is “You’re welcome”. You acknowledge that you have made an effort, and you’re happy that it was recognized. You solved a problem and it merits more than an “Aha”.

4. Learn to accept a compliment. Unless the other person is being sarcastic, a compliment is a good thing to hear. And yet what do we do when someone offers us a compliment? We deny it. (Compliment: “You made a great point” / Response: “It wasn’t really that good.”) We ignore it. (Compliment: “I liked your presentation.” / Response: “I can’t believe this elevator is taking so long.”) We boomerang it. (Compliment: “You were very funny today”/ Response: “That's really nothing compared to how funny you are.”) Pick one of the following responses to a compliment, and use it next time you’re paid one: Thank you! I’m glad you liked it! I worked hard on it! I appreciate the fact that you noticed it. Thanks for the compliment.

5. Make the assertive “no” your best friend. Nobody says you should say no to everything. If there are things that you want to do, or that you feel you should do, then by all means, do them. But don’t just say “yes” to every request you receive out of force of habit. If you cannot say no, you are not in charge of your life. It’s impossible to prevent people from asking you to do things. You can’t control that. The only behavior you can control is your own. There’s nothing wrong with saying yes or doing favours. Problems arise if you do things because you can’t say no. You become angry, resentful, sloppy and insecure. You feel like people won’t like you if you say no to them.

There are a few things that will help you say no without too much trouble:

Stop agreeing automatically. Before you give an answer out loud, say to yourself: “This is a request. I can choose to say no or yes”.
Wait for the question. Some people will passively ask for something, then pretend it was your idea. Wait for the ask.
Don’t make up excuses. By doing this, you are allowing the person who is asking to think that they should expect something from you. You’re also opening the gate for another ask, around your excuses.
Deal with the consequences. Be prepared to deal with the consequences. You have the right to say no, but you must recognize and accept that there might be consequences.

Remember: like any skill, assertive communication takes practice, practice, practice